Letting Go Read online

  wondered about Chessy and Tate. It’s obvious he loves her so much. He practically worships her. He’s so . . . possessive of her. It’s why I can’t wrap my head around the fact that he shares her with other men. But I’m straying from the point,” she added with a light laugh. “I want to know why it appeals to you so much.” She swept her hand down her body, indicating her position. “You like this—me—in a submissive position.”

  He touched her hair, stroking his hand down the long tresses, pulling them briefly away from her breasts so he could see her fully. There was definite male satisfaction in his gaze. That approval removed her hesitance. Gave her confidence where before she’d been so vulnerable.

  “How to explain how I feel?” he mused. “I don’t know that there’s a cut-and-dried explanation for why it pleases me. It’s not a power trip. In some cases, yes, it’s about power. But for me, it brings me great pleasure, and yes, satisfaction. It’s a heady sensation for a woman to put her absolute faith and trust in me. That she trusts me to provide for her. That she gives up control because she trusts that I’ll give her what she needs. That I’ll take care of her. That I’ll absolutely protect her with my life.”

  “You like to be needed then.”

  He paused a moment, weighing her words. “I suppose that’s one way to put it. But it goes much deeper. My instinct is to provide. To protect. To absolutely cherish, spoil and pamper my woman. In this case, you. But it’s a drive strictly personal to you. With other women, yes, I’ve enjoyed all those things. It brings me pleasure to be able to give those things to another woman. But with you it’s very different. I don’t just want your trust and submission. I need them. I need to do these things for you, Joss. Never think even for a moment that another woman is interchangeable with you. That it would be this way with another woman. Because that simply isn’t true.”

  “I hate that you’ve suffered so long,” she said painfully. “I never knew, Dash. I don’t know what I would have done if I had known. You mean a lot to me. Even when Carson was alive, you meant a lot. It would have hurt me to know you were hurting. I couldn’t have stood it.”

  He smiled tenderly at her, his eyes glowing with warmth and affection.

  “It’s why I was determined that you not know, honey. You have such a huge, soft heart. You would have been in an untenable position. You loved Carson and were absolutely faithful. He knew it and I knew it. It’s why he never worried that I had feelings for you. One, he knew that I would never act on them. You both meant too much to me for me to ever drive a wedge between us. But he also had absolute faith in you. He knew you would never be unfaithful to him. That you’d never even entertain the idea. I knew that as well. It wouldn’t have been fair for me to have revealed what I felt for you. It would have only hurt you and that’s the last thing I ever wanted. Carson made you happy. You were happy and you damn sure made him happy. What else could I ask for? It seemed selfish to insert myself because the end result would have only been pain for us all. You. Me. Carson. I loved you both. And you would have never strayed, so what was the point? I wouldn’t have wanted you at Carson’s expense. It would have devastated him and I would have lost a friend. You would have lost friends, your life, everything. All for me. That wasn’t what I wanted for you. It was never what I wanted for you. I only want you to be happy. And so I waited. I waited for you to be ready. But there was never a question of me stepping in. Once Carson died, I knew without a doubt that I would be the only man in your life.”

  “That’s a heavy answer for such a simple question,” she said in amusement. “Certainly gives me a lot to think about.”

  He cupped her chin and rubbed tenderly over her skin, his thumb feathering over her lip.

  “I don’t want to weigh you down or burden you unnecessarily. I don’t want you to think at all. I only want you to feel. I want you to feel what I feel. I want you to burn with the same need that I burn with—that I ache with. And then I’ll ease it, Joss. I don’t want you hurting. Ever. I’ll give you everything you could possibly ever need.”

  “I need . . . you,” she whispered, finally giving voice to her most pressing need.

  The evening—entire day—had been an exercise in frustration. She was restless and edgy, wondering, constantly battling with herself over whether she was making the right decision.

  How could she know until he made love to her?

  He hauled her up and into his lap before she could even blink. His hand pressed possessively against her thigh as he anchored her to his body. Her legs were draped over his lap toward the end of the couch and she was nestled into his body just as though she’d been made for him. They fit perfectly. His hard, muscled body was the perfect complement to her much softer one.

  His hand moved up her body to cup one breast. For a moment he simply held it, feeling the weight of it in his palm. Then he brushed his thumb over the straining peak and she sucked in her breath.

  It was a bolt of electricity, shocking in its intensity. If she had any doubts about their chemistry and whether they were compatible in bed, those doubts fled in an instant.

  She ached for him. Her body was aware, painfully so. Every nerve ending was on alert. She was wet already and he hadn’t even ventured close to her most intimate flesh.

  “Do you want me, Joss? Right now? Are you ready for me?”

  “Yes,” she whispered. “Tell me what to do, Dash. I don’t want to mess up. I want our first time to be . . . perfect.”

  He smiled, kissing her nose and then her closed eyes and then her mouth, pulling gently at her bottom lip with his teeth.

  “I guarantee that it will be perfect for me. You in my bed? There’s no way to mess that up. But I’ll do everything in my power to make it perfect for you, honey.”

  She framed his face in her hands, forcing his gaze to hers. “Don’t hold back with me, Dash. Don’t treat me like I’m breakable. I want . . . everything. I don’t want you to hesitate or fear overwhelming me. I want to be overwhelmed. I want you.”

  He emitted a low growl, one that sent a cascade of chill bumps over her skin. Her nipples puckered into rock-hard points, aching for his touch. His mouth.

  Then he simply stood, carrying her with him. She gasped at his strength, how effortlessly he picked her up.

  His gaze was fierce, his eyes burning with fire as he stared down at her.

  “Your safe word, honey. What is it?”

  She blinked, her mind going blank at his demand.

  “Think of one and hurry,” he urged. “And use it if I go too far. But be sure, Joss. Don’t use it unless you are absolutely at your breaking point. Trust me to take you there. I won’t be easy, but the minute you say your safe word, it ends.”

  She frantically searched her mind, frustrated by how frighteningly blank it was. Damn it! How hard could a safe word be to think of? No? Stop? Those wouldn’t do. They were words she might cry out in the heat of the moment and not mean them. It had to be unmistakable. Something that would stop him in his tracks, though she couldn’t imagine ever wanting him to stop.

  “Ghost,” she finally croaked out.

  If it surprised him, he didn’t show it. No emotion flickered in his eyes. Would he object to her using a mention of her husband when they were in bed making love together?

  “Ghost it is,” he said in a strained voice. “You say that word and I stop no matter how far into it we are. Trust me, Joss. I’ll stop no matter how hard it may be. I’ll protect you. I swear it.”

  She reached up to caress the hard line of his jaw. “I trust you, Dash.”

  He kissed her hard, breathless, every bit of his pent-up desire unleashed in that single moment. It was like a violent thunderstorm, one that excited her. There was no fear. No hesitation. She wanted this. Wanted it so much she ached, she hurt.

  “I hurt, Dash,” she whispered, voicing the fleeting thought in her mind. “Make it stop. Make love to me. Make it all stop.”

  His gaze grew tender once more, his breaths ragged a
nd filled with the same edgy pain she herself was experiencing. He was as desperate for this as she was.

  “I’ll make you feel good, honey. I’ll make it good for both of us.”

  THIRTEEN

  DASH carried Joss up the stairs, impatience simmering in his veins. He kept telling himself to take things slow. No matter what Joss said—demanded—no matter how much she said she wanted him not to hold back, he tempered his urges, not wanting to fuck this up. Not when he finally held all he desired in his arms.

  He gently deposited her onto the bed and stood back, staring down at her gorgeous body. Her eyes were drugged and heavy with desire. Yearning. Her hair was splayed out over his pillow and her body. God, she was beautiful. She’d said she hurt, that she ached, but God, so did he.

  His dick was about to come out of his pants. He wouldn’t be surprised if his erection tore right through his jeans.

  He had to be patient because if he wasn’t careful, the minute he touched her, the moment he finally got inside her, he’d come violently and it would all be over within thirty seconds.

  He wanted this to be fucking perfect. He wanted to tease and torment Joss until she was desperate for release. Though she’d said she wanted him not to hold back, she wanted his dominance, wanted him to exert his control and authority over her from the start, he knew he couldn’t do it. Not yet.

  This first time had to be perfect. He wanted to lavish his love on her. He wanted to make love to her. There would be plenty of time for sweaty, mindless fucking, but no, even when he allowed himself to lose his tightly leashed control, it wouldn’t be fucking. It would never be something so crude with Joss.

  When they made love, no matter the circumstances, whether she was bound and helpless or if he flogged her pretty ass until it was rosy with his marks, it would be something beautiful. Just as beautiful as she was.

  “I don’t even know where to start,” he breathed.

  Always he was in control. His restraint was something that never failed him. He was confident in his abilities to please the woman he was with. He never faltered. Never hesitated. But now? He felt like he was making love for the first time in his life. That he was an untried virgin with no idea what to do with the veritable feast of womanhood that lay before him.

  As he pondered those thoughts, the realization came that this was, in fact, the first time for him. His first time to make love. His first time to have sex when his emotions, his heart, were involved. He’d never been in love with the women he’d been with.

  Desired them? Yes. Aroused? Absolutely. But his heart had never been involved to the extent it was with Joss. He was terrified of doing the wrong thing. Of touching her wrong. The pressure he put on himself was overwhelming. The fear of failure. Of not making this as perfect as he wanted.

  It was a hell of a position to be in. His heart’s desire within touching distance and he was too afraid to take the plunge.

  Joss, sweet, loving Joss seemed to know exactly what he was thinking—feeling. She smiled and extended her hand, an invitation for him to come to her.

  “It’s all right, Dash,” she said, her smile as soft as her silky skin. “I’m nervous too. But we’ll get through this together. I trust you to make it beautiful—perfect. How could it be anything else between us?”

  He let out a groan, pissed at himself for allowing his uncertainty to show. Some Dominant he was when he was paralyzed with fear over touching her.

  Then he lowered his body to hers, allowing his weight to press down on her, but he propped himself up on his forearms so he wouldn’t crush her. She was tiny and delicate, so much so that she looked as though she could be broken if handled too roughly. But it wasn’t her body he was most concerned about. It was her heart. Her emotions. He didn’t want to overwhelm her. He didn’t want her to fear him. Never that. Anything but that. He couldn’t bear it if she ever looked at him with fear in her beautiful eyes.

  Holding himself up on one arm, he traced the lines of her face with his free hand, committing to memory every second of this first time. He could scarcely comprehend that she was finally his. That she was in his bed, naked, and that he’d be making love to her in just moments.

  He hadn’t wanted her to be overwhelmed, but in fact, he was utterly overwhelmed himself.

  “I’ve waited so long for this,” he said, his voice cracking with emotion. “For you.”

  She smiled and turned her cheek into his palm, nuzzling farther into his touch. Then she pressed a kiss against his hand, just a simple, sweet gesture that turned his heart over in his chest.

  “Make love to me, Dash,” she whispered, her eyes burning brightly. They glowed in the soft light of the bedroom, alive with answering desire.

  He lowered his mouth to hers, inhaling her scent as he tasted her lips. He pushed in with his tongue, licking over hers, exploring her mouth.

  He was so hard that it was painful. He had to get rid of the barrier between them. He wanted his flesh against hers. Wanted to feel her softness and her warmth.

  “Give me a minute to get out of these clothes,” he murmured against her lips. “Don’t move.”

  She smiled again and stretched, lifting her arms above her head. It was a gesture of surrender. Was it intentional? A signal of her submission?

  He removed his clothes, nearly tearing them in his haste. Her eyes widened when his erection sprang free from constraint. He glanced down and winced, understanding her surprise. He was harder than he’d ever been in his life. His dick strained upward, so swollen and tight that the veins were clearly outlined. The head was nearly purple and already liquid leaked from the tip.

  He didn’t dare touch himself. He didn’t trust himself not to spend himself right then and there.

  “You have a beautiful body, Dash,” she said shyly, color blooming in her cheeks.

  He felt heat stain his own cheeks, embarrassed by her scrutiny. Never had he felt self-conscious about his body before. He kept in shape. Took care of himself. He wasn’t normally modest, but it was important to him that Joss appreciated his physique. Maybe that made him vain, but he wanted her approval. He wanted her to want him every bit as much as he wanted her.

  “You’re who’s beautiful,” he said sincerely. “So damn beautiful you make me ache, Joss.”

  She arched her body in silent invitation. He needed no urging. He moved swiftly to the bed, no thoughts of dominance. Of commanding or arranging her in a submissive position. Tonight all he wanted was to have her. To seal the relationship beginning between them. Dominance—her submission—could come later.

  “Spread your legs, honey,” he said huskily. “Let me see that pretty pussy. I want to taste you. I’ve been dying to taste you. I want you to come in my mouth. All over my tongue.”

  She trembled and chill bumps danced across her skin. Her nipples beaded and puckered, an invitation for him to taste.

  He wanted it all. And before the night was over, he’d taste every inch of that delectable skin. No part of her would go unexplored. He’d know what pleased her, where her pleasure points were.

  He was dying for her to taste him as well. To have her mouth wrapped around his dick, her tongue lapping at his balls. But there was plenty of time for that. They had all the time in the world. Soon. Soon, he’d have complete mastery of her body. He’d have her complete obedience and submission. But tonight was all about her. Sating her desires, showing her how good they could be together.

  When she hesitantly parted her thighs, giving him a clear look at her feminine flesh, he saw moisture gleaming on the delicate folds. Satisfaction gripped him. She wanted him. Was highly aroused. He desperately wanted to push into that sweet pussy, to feel her heat consume him, grip him like a fist. But he forced himself to exercise restraint.

  Instead he closed the distance between them, crawling onto the bed between her splayed thighs. Unable to resist, he ran a finger through her folds, lightly grazing her clit before circling her tiny opening.

  She arched upward like a shot
, her reaction intense and immediate. She gasped when he continued his careful exploration. He dipped one finger inside, barely rimming her entrance. She was dripping with desire. So wet and moist. He could take her now. She was certainly ready. But he wanted her mindless. Completely out of her head before he took them both over the edge.

  Savoring the thought of ultimate satisfaction, he continued touching her, petting her, bringing her closer to orgasm. When she began trembling, her entire body tightening, he drew away, giving her a moment to come down.

  “Dash . . .”

  His name came out needy, desperate. He chuckled and kissed the inside of her thigh, lightly grazing the skin with his teeth. She shivered again, already working back up to release. He planned to take his time, savoring every second of this experience.

  Using his fingers to gently part her folds, further exposing her to him, he leaned down, inhaling deep, absorbing her scent. A low growl worked from his throat. He was desperate for her. He wanted to dive in, devour her with his mouth and then later his cock.

  His balls ached with the need to possess her. And then an unwelcome thought intruded, ripping him from the fantasy of fucking her long and hard. Another groan, this time of dismay, ripped from his mouth.

  “What’s wrong, Dash?”

  Her worried question had him raising his head. He sighed, disgusted with himself for not addressing this sooner. For not even thinking about it. He’d been so wrapped up in securing Joss’s consent, so focused on the act itself that he hadn’t given any consideration to protecting her.

  “I’m so sorry, honey. God, I could kick myself in the balls for this. I can’t believe this didn’t come up before now. I gave no thought to protecting you.”

  Her brow furrowed in puzzlement. She didn’t understand what he was getting at.

  “Birth control,” he said gently. “I have no doubt that you’re safe. I’m not worried about getting anything from you and you have nothing to fear from me. It’s not that I want to use condoms. Hell, I’d give anything not to have to use them. But we have to consider pregnancy, Joss. And if you prefer me to use condoms, I will, absolutely. Whatever you want.”

  Her cheeks bloomed with color and she averted her gaze a moment. He hated that the moment was spoiled. They were both so into it that this unwelcome intrusion was like a slap in the face, effectively stifling the mood.

  “I don’t want to use them either,” she said softly. “I don’t like them. Carson . . . We used them at first, when we were first together, but I’m sensitive and they made me . . . dry.”

  It was obvious she was embarrassed by the intimacy of their conversation. Her cheeks flamed with color and she wouldn’t meet his gaze.

  “I don’t want to do anything to hurt you,” he said. “I want you to be comfortable. If we have to wait, we will. I won’t use something that you won’t enjoy.”

  “I’m safe,” she said. “I was on birth control when Carson was alive. He didn’t want children. At least not right away, and as I said, condoms weren’t an option. I never went off them, even after he died. I probably should have. It’s not as though I anticipated having a sexual relationship with anyone. I couldn’t. But it was habit and it never occurred to me to go off them. They regulated my periods and made them more bearable for me. Before I went on them, my periods were difficult. They were irregular and for the weeks I was on them, it was awful. I was moody, I hurt and the cramps and headaches were unbearable. For a time, I had to take pain medication just to make it through my period. My doctor advised that I go on birth control even before Carson and I were married, but I hesitated because I feared not being able to get pregnant when I went off them. I’ve read a lot that it takes some women a long time to get pregnant after going off birth control and I wanted children very much. I was disappointed that Carson was so resistant, but when it was evident that he wouldn’t bend, I really had no choice, no reason, not to go on birth control, especially since condoms weren’t an option.”

  “I understand,” Dash said, relief gripping him. “And are you okay with being with me without condoms? I’m safe, honey. I can provide you my medical history. I’ve never been with any woman without condoms. Not even once. And I have regular checkups. But there hasn’t been another woman in a long time.”

  Her eyes softened. “You don’t have to justify your sexual history to me, Dash. And yes, I’m okay with you not using condoms. I trust you. And you already know there’s been no man for me since Carson.”

  Her face flushed again and she ducked her head.

  “He was my first. My only. I was a virgin when we met. And when he found out, he insisted we wait until we were married. And since our courtship was such a whirlwind, it wasn’t as though we had to wait long. He wanted to marry me much sooner than he did. If he’d had his way, we would have been married within weeks of meeting. It was me who insisted we wait. I wanted him to be sure.”

  “And not yourself?” Dash asked.

  “I was sure of him,” she said softly. “I knew he was the one. I loved him—fell in love with him from the start. But I wanted him to be certain. I didn’t want us to rush into a marriage if he wasn’t absolutely certain that I was whom he would be happy with. And I wanted him to be happy. He had such a hard childhood. He deserved to be happy.”

  Dash’s heart turned over all over again. He was seized by his own love for this special, generous woman. Most women would have jumped at the chance to marry Carson Breckenridge. Wealthy. Handsome. Successful. And he loved to spoil Joss. He did so shamelessly. From the very start. Yes, Dash had his own set of reservations over the speed of Carson’s relationship with Joss. Carson was his best friend and he hadn’t wanted him to get hurt. He, like Joss, well knew of his past. His horrific upbringing.

  But all reservations had fled when he’d seen firsthand how fiercely loyal and devoted Joss was to Carson. She didn’t have a mercenary bone in her body. She’d insisted on continuing her job as a nurse even though Carson had pressed her to quit from the moment they started dating.

  She’d persisted, however, because she hadn’t wanted it to be perceived she was with Carson for his money. It was only after a year into their marriage that Carson had been able to persuade Joss to quit. And he’d done so by telling her of his desire to have her all to himself. So she could travel with him on the many business trips he took. When Joss was working, she’d been tied to her schedule and she couldn’t up and leave on a moment’s notice.

  It had frustrated Carson, because he’d wanted Joss with him at all times. And so he’d pressured her into quitting so her time would be his.

  Dash had worried that Joss wouldn’t be happy once she quit her job. She was a natural in the medical field. Her specialty had been pediatrics, and before she’d married Carson, she’d planned to go back to school to become a nurse practitioner.