Songbird Read online

  Dedication

  To Jamie for all her knitted love.

  Chapter One

  Emily Donovan woke with stinging eyes, her body shuddering in the throes of a nightmare. The same nightmare she had every night.

  She closed her eyes against the unbearable ache in her chest and tried to fall back into oblivion, but the memories were too vivid, too alive in her mind.

  Sean.

  How she missed him. He hadn’t deserved to die. He’d been too young, so full of life. He’d loved her unreservedly, picked up the pieces of her shattered heart and helped put her back together.

  As always when she thought of Sean, images of his two older brothers, Taggert and Greer, haunted her. It angered her that she couldn’t separate her memories of Sean from the other two Donovan brothers, but they were as much a part of her soul as Sean had been. But Sean had accepted her. Loved her. Taggert and Greer had shoved her away.

  The ache in her chest stole her breath, and she opened her eyes to stare at the blurred ceiling. The lamp at the side of her bed cast elongated shadows, sometimes frightening, but the dark was scarier, so she always left it on.

  The days had gotten a little easier. She managed to perform normal activities. Eating. Sleeping—finally. But her sleep was still tortured by images of that night. By Sean’s blood covering her hands. By his whispered I love you and his warm smile before he took his last breath.

  “It’s not fair,” she whispered fiercely. “It should have been me, not you.”

  Her breath stuttered out in a sob that clawed at her throat. It hurt to inhale. It hurt to exhale. It hurt to live.

  Giving up on sleep, she crawled out of bed, feeling much older than her twenty-five years. She’d always been so much older than her years. Quieter, more mature. Only the Donovan brothers had been able to bring her out of her shell, and she’d give anything to go back to those days in the Montana mountains where only the skies were bigger than their dreams.

  She’d lived hers. Just for a little while. Just as Tagg had always predicted. Their little songbird was destined for bigger and better things than the Mountain Pass Ranch. But she hadn’t wanted fame and fortune. She’d only wanted their love.

  With a weary sigh, she walked into the kitchen clad in only her silky pajama top. Sean had bought it for her, and when she’d laughingly informed him he got ripped off because only the top was there, he smugly told her he preferred easy access and had thrown away the bottoms.

  Mechanically she performed the rituals of morning. Preparing coffee that she didn’t even like, toasting a bagel she wouldn’t taste. All the things that made her life feel normal.

  The chair was cool on her bare legs, and she scooted up to the small, two-person table where she’d placed her saucer and cup. She drank, barely wincing when the hot liquid hit her tongue. Chewing the bagel took effort. Swallowing took more.

  What was she supposed to do today? The question filtered calmly through her mind, and she stared at the half-empty cup in her hand in bemusement. She had no job to go to. No appointments. No schedule. She only had one goal. To survive another day.

  Maybe she’d take a walk. Challenge herself to face the city she’d fled to. Its size and people would swallow her up. Offer her the anonymity she desperately craved.

  The mere idea of leaving her apartment without a specific destination in mind sent a wave of nausea through her belly. The coffee bubbled like a volcano about to erupt, and she swallowed rapidly.

  She couldn’t go on like this, living in the shadows, afraid to step into the light. Sean would hate the life she led. He’d look at her with those intense blue eyes, and his lips would thin in disapproval.

  She looked down, studying her fingers, and wondered how long it would take before she didn’t feel so flayed alive when she thought of Sean. When she couldn’t feel the knife that had ended his life.

  A firm knock sounded at the door. Her head whipped up, and panic hit her like a sledgehammer. Each breath squeezed from her lungs, crushing her chest.

  Stop being stupid.

  No one knew she was here. She knew none of her neighbors. She was safe.

  Who the hell could be at her door at five in the morning?

  Renewed fear gripped her by the throat.

  Maybe it was just her apartment manager. Or a neighbor.

  At five in the morning?

  Her gaze flickered over the four deadbolts she’d had installed. No one was getting in unless she let them.

  The knock sounded again. Harder this time.

  She flinched and hastily stood, her heart beating in a vicious cadence.

  She didn’t have to answer. She could pretend to be asleep. Or not at home.

  Hesitating, she turned away from the door only to yank back around when the knocking persisted.

  Whoever it was wasn’t going away.

  Damp palms wiped nervously on her pajama top. She glanced down, realizing she wasn’t dressed for company, and then she laughed—a harsh, dry sound that assaulted her ears.

  She wasn’t entertaining guests. The sooner she answered the door and sent them on their way, the better.

  It took everything she had to make that walk across the living room to the door. She put her palm on the surface and leaned forward to peer out the peephole.

  She gasped, blinked, stepped back then surged forward again, straining to see. Her stomach plummeted.

  Oh God.

  Greer and Taggert Donovan stood in the hallway, their expressions grim—and determined.

  How had they found her?

  Stupid question.

  She closed her eyes and leaned her forehead on the door. Not now. She couldn’t face them right now. Maybe never. How was she to look at them knowing how much they reminded her of Sean? Of how much she loved Sean?

  Of how much she loved Greer and Taggert.

  Her fingers splayed out over the wood as if she could touch them through the barrier. She turned her head so that her cheek pressed against the surface and then reached for the top lock, letting her hand rest on it without moving it.

  Another knock jarred her face and then she heard Taggert’s voice, low and entreating.

  “Emmy, open the door.”

  She swallowed once and slowly pulled away until she was an arm’s length from the locks, her hand still on the top one. As she turned it, the click echoed harshly.

  With shaking fingers, she worked down until she reached the last. She grasped the knob and turned, cracking the door and bracing her free hand on the frame.

  Her gaze met and locked first with Taggert and then Greer. They filled the doorway, the entire hallway, and God, they looked just as she remembered. Stetsons, faded jeans and boots.

  For the longest time she stared and they stared back. Then Greer stepped forward but halted when she retreated a step.

  “Open the door, Emmy,” he said softly.

  Her knees trembling, she eased the door wider until there was a gaping space, more space than she’d allowed in a year. Greer’s expression softened, his leaf green eyes filled with regret. Then he simply opened his arms.

  The first step was the hardest, but suddenly she found herself in his warm embrace. She buried her face in his chest, inhaling the faint smells of tobacco and horses, two scents that seemed permanently branded on him.

  She shook against him, but the tears wouldn’t come. Her eyes were so dry they hurt.

  He lifted her and walked with her into the apartment. Taggert closed the door behind them, and she turned to see him fingering the locks, a scowl on his face.

  “Have you cried even once, Emmy?” Greer asked quietly as he held her.

  It made her sound so heartless. She hadn’t cried. Not at the hospital when they told her Sean was gone. No
t at his funeral or afterward when they buried him in the family plot on Mountain Pass land. Not in the many months since. Crying made it all so…final.

  She wrapped her arms around his waist and squeezed. It felt so good to be back in his arms.

  “I missed you,” she whispered.

  “Aww Em, we missed you too,” Greer said in a low voice.

  Taggert made an impatient sound, and she pulled away from Greer to stare at the oldest Donovan brother.

  “Why the hell did you disappear on us, Emmy?” Taggert demanded. “You were Sean’s wife. We would have taken care of you. The MPR is your home. It’s always been your home. Long before you married Sean. Frank’s going crazy. No one’s seen you. And now we find you holed up like a prisoner in an apartment in the city. You hate the city.”

  Her hand flew to her throat, her pulse pounding against her fingers.

  “I told Frank I couldn’t do it anymore,” she cracked out. “He knows. I told him not to look for me. I can’t—won’t—sing.”

  “You think that’s all he cares about?” Taggert asked. “He’s your manager, but that doesn’t mean he’s a complete mercenary asshole. He’s worried sick over you. We all are.”

  “Tagg, enough,” Greer warned.

  Taggert threw up one hand and turned away, his entire body simmering with frustration. Then he turned back around and pinned her with the force of his stare. Warm, liquid chocolate. She’d always loved his eyes. They made his already dark looks even darker, but she’d never been afraid of him. He’d always been her Tagg, and she’d always loved him.

  “Come here, damn it,” he said gruffly.

  She only hesitated a moment before she walked into his arms. He hugged her fiercely, stealing her breath with the force of his grip. But God, for the first time in a year, she felt safe.

  His breath whispered roughly over her hair, her only signal of the turmoil that rolled beneath his tough exterior.

  “Goddamn it, Emmy, what were you thinking?”

  She couldn’t answer. The words were lodged in her throat, so thick and swollen she feared choking. She concentrated on breathing, taking in his solid strength and the crisp, clean smell of his shirt. He still used the same detergent, the same plain deodorant. No frills, no aftershave, no cologne.

  He pried her away from him, holding her shoulders as he stared down at her.

  “You’re coming home with us.”

  She opened her mouth, to say what, she wasn’t sure, but he silenced her with one hard stare.

  “No arguments. Greer and I aren’t taking no for an answer. You belong at home. Sean would want you there. Not locked away here in some strange city, afraid to leave your apartment. You aren’t living. You’re barely existing.”

  Oh no, she wouldn’t lose her composure now. Would not give in to the grief slicing her insides up. It had been a year. She could hear Sean’s name without reacting as though she’d been slapped.

  “He’s right, Songbird,” Greer said in a soft, soothing voice.

  He couldn’t know how much the endearment hurt. It, more than Sean’s name, sent splinters of agony washing through her body.

  She closed her eyes and swayed in Taggert’s grip, biting her lip, welcoming the pain as a distraction.

  “Don’t call me that,” she rasped. “Never again.”

  Taggert caught her chin in his fingers and feathered his thumb across her jaw. “You will sing again, Emmy. In time. When you’re ready.”

  She shook her head mutely, but he just held firm and stared back at her as if infusing her with his will.

  “Yes, you will. You’re coming home. You’ll heal. You’ll live again. You’ll sing.”

  Chapter Two

  “We should have driven,” Taggert muttered. He sank lower in his seat as the plane began its taxi.

  “Why didn’t you?” Emily asked curiously as she glanced over at him. Taggert’s dislike of flying was hardly secret. In fact, she couldn’t remember the last time he’d willingly got on a plane.

  “We were in a hurry to get to you,” Greer said.

  She looked down at her hands, surprised at how numb she still was even after being dragged out of her apartment by the two brothers. It was all a little surreal, and at any moment she expected to wake up staring at her plain white ceiling just like every other day.

  Taggert reached over and folded his hand over hers, his thumb rubbing over the side of her wrist.

  “You had to know we’d come, Emmy.”

  She swallowed but couldn’t say anything. She hadn’t known they’d come. They’d made their feelings and wishes perfectly clear four years ago. They couldn’t have been any clearer.

  Greer sighed and shifted uncomfortably, his knees pressing into the seat in front of him.

  “Lean over on me and get some sleep,” he directed. “You look like you could use some rest, and it’s a long-ass flight.”

  With the armrests up on either side of her, leaning into either man was easy. Greer shifted his arm up and over her, and she nestled into the crook of his shoulder.

  Taggert kept hold of her hand, and it struck her that this was the only time in years either man had allowed himself to touch her. Oh, there’d been casual, quick hugs. Perfunctory kisses on the cheek when she and Sean made the trip back, but the trips became fewer when she could no longer bear the strain and Sean couldn’t bear to see her unhappy.

  Because of her, he’d left the only place he’d ever called home, and he’d never gotten the chance to go back until they brought him to Mountain Pass in a casket.

  Why now? Why were they changing their approach with her? Now, when it was too late. Four years ago she would have given her soul for them to understand, for them to accept her love—for all of them. Sean had understood. Why hadn’t Taggert and Greer?

  Her anger surprised her, sudden like a flashflood. For so long she’d felt nothing but overwhelming sorrow and regret, and now the red-hot glow of rage simmered within.

  “We never meant to hurt you, Emmy,” Greer whispered close to her ear.

  Had he felt her anger? Could he sense it boiling?

  Not now. Not here. Maybe never, but definitely not here, trapped with all these people.

  “Rest,” Taggert ordered. “Lay off, Greer. There’ll be plenty of time to hash it out when we get home.”

  Instead of being irritated at his dictate, she sighed in relief and closed her eyes against Greer’s chest. She willed herself to go to sleep, if for no other reason than to avoid meaningless chitchat, or worse, a conversation that had the potential to reopen old wounds.

  She slept deep and dreamlessly, and when she woke to Taggert’s gentle shaking, she had to orient herself to her surroundings. The plane was nearly empty, and Taggert pulled himself out of his seat and into the aisle before reaching a hand back for her.

  Still fighting the heavy veil of sleep, she allowed him to pull her from her seat. She stumbled a little, and Tagg caught her with a firm hand to her elbow.

  “Easy,” he murmured. “Don’t try to take it too fast.”

  She hadn’t slept that hard in a year, and she wondered why now, on an uncomfortable flight? She didn’t have to look too hard for her answer. Taggert and Greer made her feel safe. They always had. Maybe they were right to make her come home, even if it would be the most difficult thing she’d ever done.

  Barely aware of her surroundings, she managed to walk dazedly off the plane. She stood at the gate, confused by where to go next. Greer slipped an arm around her waist and urged her forward.