Letting Go Page 8

  “I don’t know,” she said honestly. “In theory it sounds . . . hot. But the reality? I’m not sure how I’d feel about that. It’s definitely not something I’d want to do right away. I would think that takes a certain level of comfort. And trust.”

  Dash nodded. “Very true. The man and the woman have to be in complete accord. Their relationship has to be cemented before introducing elements like that. For the woman, she has to have complete trust in her Dominant in order to allow him to give her to another man. That kind of trust is priceless.”

  “And for the man?” Joss asked, her curiosity only growing. She felt horribly naïve and ignorant of such things. But now that she’d begun her journey into that very world, she was starved for knowledge. It all fascinated her. “What does he get out of it? Wouldn’t he have to have absolute faith in the woman he gives to another man?”

  Dash nodded again. “Absolutely. The man has to trust that he is able to provide everything his woman needs, and that her experience with another man is not only pleasurable for both himself and her, but he also has to trust that when it’s all said and done, he is the one she goes home with, is committed to, and that the experience doesn’t give her a taste of the forbidden that she indulges in when he’s not a participant.”

  “Permission to cheat,” Joss murmured. “It blows my mind.”

  “No, not cheating,” Dash corrected. “Not at all. Cheating is emotional betrayal. When consent is given by both parties, there is no betrayal. It’s why a relationship has to be absolutely solid before ever venturing into that territory. There can be no doubts, no misgivings, and trust has to be well established between the couple. Otherwise it’s a doomed exercise.”

  Joss cocked her head to the side. “Does it not work out sometimes? I mean do you know of situations where jealousy became involved? Or the woman ends up cheating or is no longer satisfied with what her Dominant is giving her?”

  Dash shrugged. “Of course. It happens. I’ve witnessed couples still in the beginning stages of their relationship rush into situations they have no business being in. It usually doesn’t end well. I’ve found what most often happens is that the man becomes jealous over another man pleasuring his woman and then he starts to doubt his own abilities. He mentally compares himself with the other man in question. Wonders if the guy pleases her more than he can. If she prefers the other guy to her Dominant. As I said, it takes a special level of commitment and trust for such an arrangement to work.”

  “And it works for Tate and Chessy,” she said.

  It wasn’t voiced as a question, but the inflection at the end of her words made it such.

  “Yes, it does apparently,” Dash replied. “They’re happy. Tate is happy. Chessy is happy.”

  Joss frowned. “I’m not so sure anymore, Dash. I’m worried about Chessy.”

  Dash’s brow furrowed. “What makes you say that?”

  Joss shook her head. “I shouldn’t have said anything. I don’t want it to get back to Tate. It could be nothing. Just a feeling I have.”

  Dash frowned. “I’d never betray your confidence, Joss. Nor do I indulge in gossip. And I damn sure wouldn’t tell Tate anything that made him doubt his wife. But I’d like to know why you have your ‘feeling.’”

  Joss sighed. “I don’t know really. She just seems . . . unhappy . . . lately. She hasn’t said anything. I know that Tate has been very busy at work. But I don’t think I’m imagining it. Kylie has noticed too. She actually worried that . . .”

  She broke off, ashamed to voice what Kylie had suggested. She genuinely liked Tate, and she didn’t believe for a minute that he would abuse Chessy in any way. Things may not be perfect between them but there was no way Tate would ever hurt Chessy. Not physically.

  “She worried what?” Dash demanded, concern replacing his frown.

  “I shouldn’t say anything,” Joss said.

  “It’s too late for that. Now what did Kylie say?”

  Joss grimaced. “She worried that Tate was abusing Chessy. We had lunch together. You know that. And I don’t know, Dash. She just seems so unhappy lately. And if you bring Tate up, she clams up and gets this look on her face.”

  Dash looked incredulous. “Kylie actually thinks Tate abuses her?”

  “I don’t know,” Joss said honestly. “Kylie is . . . Well, you know how she is. You know what she and Carson both suffered. So it’s natural that she would jump to conclusions others wouldn’t.”

  Dash shook his head. “No fucking way. The sun rises and sets at Chessy’s feet. Tate is crazy about her. If she’s not happy, there has to be another reason. Maybe they argued. Who knows?”

  “Maybe,” Joss said. “I don’t think he abuses her either. Not for a minute. I like him. I like him a lot. And he’s so good to Chessy. I look at them and I feel so . . . envious. It shames me to admit that, but it’s true. I look at them and I want—crave—what they have.”

  Dash reached out to stroke her cheek, feathering his thumb over her skin. “You’ll have it, Joss. All you have to do is reach out and take it. It’s yours. I’m yours. For as long as you’ll have me.”

  She sucked in her breath. Yes, she knew he wanted her. He’d certainly been blunt enough about that. But he made it sound so . . . permanent. And she had no idea what to think about that.

  She wasn’t looking for permanent. She didn’t want permanent. She’d found the love of a lifetime and lost it. She knew she’d never get that back. People just didn’t find perfection twice in a lifetime. Once was hard enough, but twice? Impossible.

  She licked her lips, suddenly uncomfortable with the direction of her thoughts.

  “What about you?” she asked huskily, returning the topic to them. “Have you ever shared the woman you’re with? Is that something you enjoy?”

  “With the right woman, yes. I can’t say I’m lining up to do that with you, though. I’ve spent too long fantasizing about what it would be like to have you in my bed, under my control. There’s no way in hell I want to immediately jump into sharing you with anyone. I’m not saying never. If it’s something that turns you on and it’s something you want to explore at a later date, then we can cross that bridge when we get to it. For now? I’m more focused on you and me, specifically you. I’m a selfish bastard and I’m very possessive of what I consider mine. And Joss, you are mine.”

  Her cheeks warmed again, but she couldn’t suppress the surge of pleasure that winged its way through her veins.

  “I’m very okay with that,” she whispered.

  He smiled. “That’s good. Now, let’s get back to your boundaries and my expectations.”

  She immediately tuned in, anxious to hear what all this . . . arrangement . . . entailed.

  “To start with, we’ll establish a safe word for you. It’s important that you only use it when you’re genuinely frightened, uncertain or if something hurts you. If anything I do ever hurts you I want to know about it immediately because it will never happen again. We clear?”

  She nodded.

  “In time I’ll know your limits even better than you,” he said in a confident tone that caused her heartbeat to speed up.

  “And your expectations, Dash?” she prompted.

  “It’s really simple,” he said. “By offering me the gift of your submission, you’re placing your care and well-being in my hands. I expect your obedience and your respect. Now, respect has to be earned. I get that. And I’ll earn it. Obedience, however, is taught, and I’ll teach you well. You’ll obey my instructions without question or hesitation. If you truly don’t understand a command, you’ve only to ask and I’ll explain. But don’t question just because you’re nervous or hesitant about complying with my wishes, because that will not please me.”

  Her eyes widened. It surprised her how horrified she was over the idea of not pleasing him. She wanted to make him happy. She wanted him to be proud of her, to take pride in her. And she never wanted to do anything to shame him or make him regret their relationship.

  Was it her natural submissiveness guiding the ship here? Had she always been this way and suppressed it because she didn’t understand it or realize what it was she wanted? Or perhaps she’d only recognized it when she’d come into contact with others in the lifestyle. They’d made her see what it was she was missing.

  She licked her suddenly dry lips again. “Are there punishments involved? I know some Dominants . . . Well, I’ve heard that they punish their women if they disobey or displease them. Is that something you do?”

  He smiled. “Many find punishments to be pleasurable. In many cases, punishment is in fact a reward. It sounds twisted and contradictory, but pain can be very erotic, as can control and authority. As to whether I enjoy punishments, the answer is yes. In certain situations.”

  “Which situations?” she pressed.

  “Does the idea of my hand on your pretty ass arouse you, Joss? Does the idea of me tying you up so you’re utterly helpless and then flogging you make you hot?”

  Her entire body was one giant flush of heat.

  “Is it wrong of me to say yes?” she whispered.

  His entire expression softened, his eyes glowing with tenderness.

  “Honey, nothing about your desires and needs is wrong. Nothing. Do you understand that? I need to know what pleases you, what turns you on, your deepest, darkest fantasies. If I don’t know what they are, how can I give you what you need?”

  She didn’t respond.

  He brushed the back of his knuckle down her cheekbone, stroking and then sliding back up to stroke downward again. His touch was infinitely soothing. It also aroused her. Almost violently. Never had she craved something so much as his touch right now. His hands on her body. Mouth on her skin.

  “In time you’ll hide nothing from me,” he continued. “There is nothing you can’t share with me. Nor will there ever be. You can be yourself with me, Joss. I’ll protect and cherish your heart and soul. You don’t need defenses around me. They wouldn’t do you a damn bit of good anyway because I intend to strip you of them. Bare. Until there’s nothing between us but your delectable skin.”

  “Your expectations seem simple enough,” she murmured. “You want my trust and my obedience.”

  He smiled. “In theory, yes, quite simple. But obedience entails quite a lot. You’ll never know from one day to the next what it is I’ll demand of you. The not knowing is a powerful enough aphrodisiac. Anticipation makes it much sweeter.”

  “And punishments, Dash? We spoke of what turns me on, but what about you? Do you enjoy meting out punishment on your submissive?”

  “If you ask if I’m a sadist and enjoy inflicting pain for the sake of inflicting pain, no. I won’t set you up to fail just so I can punish you, honey. That’s not the way I work. Because I find much more satisfaction in your obedience. That’s what will make me happy. Not you failing a task so that punishment ensues. However, yes, there are some certain aspects of punishment that I enjoy, though I’d argue they aren’t true punishments because both me and my submissive enjoy them. I prefer to think of them as sexual pleasure. That’s what it’s all about. My pleasure. And yours.”

  “You like the control,” she mused. “Not necessarily inflicting pain, but inflicting your will on the woman.”

  “Now you’re gaining a greater understanding.”

  She smiled. “I’ll get there, Dash. Just please be patient with me. I want to learn, to explore. But I’m a little wary and uncertain. I’m so afraid of making a mistake. Of disappointing you and myself.”

  His expression became utterly serious. He framed her face in his palms, forcing her to look directly into his eyes.

  “You will never disappoint me, Joss. I need you to know that. We’ll find our way together.”

  She drew in a deep breath and then smiled. “I believe you. Now that we’ve gotten all of the talk out of the way, when do we start? And how do we start?”

  TEN

  “I want you to move in with me,” Dash said bluntly.

  Joss’s eyes widened in surprise and her lips parted, a rush of air escaping the perfectly formed bow.

  “But Dash . . .”

  “No buts,” he said firmly. “This won’t be a part-time relationship, Joss. Nor will it be a secret.”

  Her brow furrowed with consternation and she shook her head. “But I don’t want anyone to know! Not that I’m ashamed of you. That isn’t it. But this is private. I don’t want our relationship, what our relationship is, to be public knowledge!”

  He leaned forward and pressed his lips to her forehead. “It won’t be public, honey. Not certain aspects of our relationship. I’m not going to flaunt it. But I’ll want you here with me, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. I don’t think it would be a good idea for me to move in with you.”

  He let his words, their meaning settle over Joss and he saw the instant she realized his purpose.

  “Of course,” she said in a low voice. “I wasn’t thinking. Of course you wouldn’t want to be in the house I shared with Carson. It wouldn’t be fair to you.”

  “Or to you,” Dash said gently. “This is a fresh start for you, Joss. It needs to be. And in order to do that, you have to break free from the past so you can move ahead with your future.”

  “It’s just so sudden,” she murmured. “So much has happened and it’s happened so quickly. I’ve barely had time to process it all.”

  “The only thing me giving you more time would accomplish would be giving you more of a chance to back out. I’m not going to allow that. I’ve waited too long. I won’t let you go now. Not when I’m so close to having everything I ever wanted. Maybe that’s selfish of me. But I can live with it if you can.”

  She smiled ruefully, her eyes lightening as she glanced up at him. “I can live with that. What else then? I just move here with you?”

  “That’s a start,” he said. “Once you’re here, we’ll move further into the physical—and emotional—aspects of our relationship. You’ll find I’m a very demanding man, Joss. I hope to hell you’re prepared for that. I won’t be easy. I won’t have mercy.”

  Her pulse leapt, jumping at the pulse point of her neck. “I don’t want you to,” she said huskily.

  “Good. Now why don’t we go over to your house so you can pack a few things. You don’t have to get everything today. Just what you need for the next few days. We can always go back for more later.”

  Left unsaid was his concern that once she was here, once they embarked on their sexual odyssey, she would run and run hard. Go back to her home and shut him out forever. He hoped to hell she was as strong as she put off and that she truly did want all she’d said.

  He had no doubt he could give her everything she could possibly want or need and so much more. The question was whether she knew exactly what it was she truly wanted.

  “I’ll need to let Chessy and Kylie know,” she said. “They’ll worry. They know about you. I mean they know about us. But still, it’ll shock them that we’re moving so quickly. I’ll endure a lecture from Kylie.”

  “And not Chessy?” he asked in amusement.

  Joss smiled and shook her head. “No, Chessy was supportive of my decision to go after what I wanted. She was concerned, don’t get me wrong. But she understood it and encouraged me to go through with it. Kylie? Well, she thought I’d lost my damn mind, and she’s scared to death of what I’m getting into.”

  “Then it should make her feel better to know you aren’t hooking up with some random stranger who doesn’t give a fuck about you.”

  “It upset her that you had feelings for me while I was married to Carson,” Joss said quietly. “I think she felt like you betrayed Carson.”

  Dash scowled. “I never betrayed him. He knew. He damn well knew and we were still friends. He trusted me. He knew I’d never act on that attraction. He was my friend.”

  “I know that,” Joss said gently. “Kylie is just very black-and-white. She has a narrow view of the world. It surprised her and she doesn’t deal with surprise very well.”

  Dash grimaced, knowing that Jensen replacing Carson would come as another big surprise to Kylie. An unwelcome one at that.

  “Why are you frowning?” Joss asked. “Are you angry that Kylie was upset?”

  Dash shook his head. “No. I was just thinking about what else I wanted to discuss with you. And with Kylie.”

  She looked worried and he hastened to soothe her, not wanting anything to disrupt the mood between them. Not when things were so . . . good.

  “You may or may not know that before Carson died, we had talked about taking on another partner. I wasn’t sure how much Carson shared with you regarding business. I know he was determined that you never have to work or worry about money coming in.”

  Joss’s expression immediately became worried. “Is it money, Dash? Is the business not doing as well? I can go back to work, you know. Even though I quit a year after Carson and I married—at his insistence—I’ve kept up my certifications and I’ve taken the necessary classes so I could keep my nursing license. I can go back to work. I don’t want to be a financial burden on you. Do what you must to keep the business going. It’s what Carson would have wanted.”

  He put his finger to her lips, loving her more than ever. She was so selfless and generous. Most women would be horrified at the mere thought of their financial security diminishing. But not her. She was prepared to go back to work. In fact, he remembered it had taken Carson an entire year to talk her into quitting. No, they hadn’t needed her salary, not by a long shot, but Joss hadn’t wanted to quit. She hadn’t wanted to be dependent on Carson. He admired her for that.

  “There’s nothing wrong with the business, honey, and the truth is, what Carson would have wanted is not for you to go back to work. You have to know that. Carson only wanted you safe and happy and provided for. And he ensured that by leaving you a percentage of the business. You don’t have to worry. I plan for the business to expand and become more profitable than even before. It’s a fact that things faltered a bit after Carson died. My head and heart weren’t in it and it suffered the first year. But I pulled it together. What I wanted to tell you and Kylie both is that I’m taking on a partner. Carson and I had planned to expand before he died. Those plans got put on hold as I focused on making sure the business remained solvent. But now is the perfect time to take on someone else. I can’t do it all myself. I don’t have the desire to. There are other things that I’d rather focus on now. You. And I can’t do that if I’m tied to the desk and traveling all the time.”

  Joss blinked in surprise. “You’re replacing Carson?”

  He winced because while he knew Kylie would draw that same conclusion, he’d hoped that Joss wouldn’t see it that way.

  As if reading his mind, Joss leaned forward, her expression earnest, her eyes soft with understanding. “I don’t mean it that way, Dash. I’m not upset that you’re ‘replacing’ Carson. I suppose I just didn’t realize how demanding the business was. Oh, I know how much time Carson put into it. But what I didn’t know at the time was that you stepped up and shouldered far more responsibility so that Carson would be free to spend more time with me. Thank you for that, Dash. I know you made a lot of sacrifices, but I’ll forever be grateful that you gave that to him. To us. That I got to spend as much time with him as I did before he died. I’ll always treasure those memories. The trips. The days at home just spending time together.”

  Moisture rimmed her eyes, but she didn’t allow herself to cry. It looked as though she exerted great restraint not to break down even though her lips trembled with that effort.

  “And if by taking on another partner, it enables you to step back and have a life that doesn’t revolve around the business, then you have my full support. You’ve given so much to me and to Carson. It’s only fair that you have a turn at reaping the rewards of your success.”

  Damn but this woman just made him happy. He was so damn proud of her. Now if only Kylie would take the news as graciously as Joss had. But then he’d expected no less from Joss. He hadn’t entertained even for a moment that she would be resentful or that she’d object. He’d definitely considered that it might be upsetting for her. That was only normal. She was a woman who’d loved her husband, a love most men would kill for, and if they could have that kind of love and devotion from a woman like Joss, they’d never want for more in their life.

  He wanted it now. Craved it. Was obsessed with it and her. He’d do whatever it took to make her happy again. He’d prove to her that lightning could strike twice in the same lifetime. She’d mentioned on more than one occasion, in passing, that she didn’t expect to ever find love again. Not like she had with Carson. Hell, she’d resigned herself to that fact, accepting it.

  Fuck that. If she only gave him the chance, he’d prove to her that she could be that happy again. That not only would another man give her the world, but that he’d love her and cherish her. He’d wrap her in cotton and protect her from everything that could ever hurt her.

  “Have you decided on his replacement?” she asked quietly.

  He covered her hand with his and squeezed. “Honey, I’m not replacing him. No one could ever replace Carson. He built this business. He made it what it is today. I helped, yes, but this was his vision. His brainchild. He was a brilliant, business-minded man.”

  She smiled. “Have you decided on the new partner yet then? Or have you only just recently made the decision?”

  “Yes and no,” he said. “I met Jensen some years ago when Carson was still alive. Carson and I had actually discussed bringing him in as a third partner when we decided to expand. And we’d planned to in the next year. But that was before he died so unexpectedly.”

  “Is that his name? Jensen? Have I met him?”

  She frowned, her brow wrinkling in concentration. She was evidently trying to place the name. He almost laughed. As if she’d ever notice another man with Carson in the same room. It had been one of the things he most envied about Carson. Joss’s absolute devotion and fidelity when it came to her husband.

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